what's my learning edge?

I feel I'm always at my learning edge. Either the world conspires to challenge me in just the way I need to be challenged, or I've habituated to living on that shining cusp of almost-too-muchness. And right now much comes to mind.

I'm becoming stronger. I'm feeling my way into my own power—physically and emotionally—and it's both thrilling and terrifying. I've loved how the parallels here are so true; I committed, at the beginning of this month, to gaining weight and gaining muscle, and I've been taking the time to wrestle, multiple times a day, with a few unyielding handled cannonballs. Three weeks ago I could barely lift one, and now I'm pressing them easily. It's thrilling, and a little strange, and I'm learning now how to hold myself as someone less fragile.

The rest of the summer stretches ahead, and I'm excited to think where I'll be at the end of it. For now, though, my minor gains are exciting. And what's exciting is how they track so sweetly a different sort of strengthening.

I'm growing psychologically stronger, and I'm learning how to better be this new and more compassionately powerful person. I'm holding myself to a higher standard, and in doing so, learning how to hold others to this standard as well. It's such a sweet and brilliant truth, the way that loving more deeply requires being more firm and not enabling others to be anything less than their greater potential. It's challenging, sometimes, not to be frustrated when people don't see in themselves what I find so blindingly bright, but this too is something I'm amazed at... I've been, in the past, unendingly gentle, and now I'm realizing that this passivity doesn't always serve. I have no delusions about honing this skill at any time soon; I know it's an ongoing practice. But it's thrilling, it's thrilling.

What else am I learning? I've been learning a bit about control, although control is not the right word. Choice, perhaps, would be better. I'm learning how to consciously choose to spend my time. I'm learning how to create space for myself to read, to relax, to lift my head from the thrilling addictive grind of constant unending work. I'm learning how to trust myself. I'm learning, always, how to breathe.

It's funny. I wake up these days with amazement. I love my morning ritual of kettlebells and press pot coffee and the cars and they begin to stream by past the wide sidewalks outside my apartment. I'm learning how not to get used to things.

Thank you, Evelyn, for the question.